I’m here still. I took a little break from blogging, to be honest the last few weeks have been difficult.
To catch you up, I just had my second Avelumab infusion, the next one is on the 28th. The last infusion went well, one poke and a few hours later and I was done! I flew to Seattle this round, boy is it just a thousand times better. It’s less stressful, it takes less time, and my body feels so much better afterwards. I just wish it wasn’t so dang expensive! So I’m exploring the alternatives, this coming trip I’m taking the train.
I haven’t felt very good. The tumors in my neck are continuing to grow which is scary already, but now I’m experiencing a lot of odd feelings. I’m light-headed, I have frequent headaches, I have fogginess, I have trouble focusing, I see black spots more often, and I feel more exhausted. My soon-to-be EMT husband thinks it may be the second tumor pushing on my carotid artery and making the blood flow to me brain slow down. I decided to test his theory by pushing on my tumor. Hah bad news, I nearly passed out! It’s hard to sit here and watch my body freak out. Knowing that the cancer is actively eating away makes me feel like I’m slowly dying. It’s an odd roller coaster to be on. Some days I welcome the thought, some days I feel devastated. I mean, I know that technically we are all dying, but how many of us actually think about that?
I’m really terrified that I’m never going to be able to have children. I had a dream the other night that I was pregnant. You know those really realistic dreams that feel so real? It was magical. I mean in my dream I wasn’t sick, I didn’t have cankles, or the pain of carrying another human, just the magical mommy feelings. I woke up only to the fact that my chin is the only thing that looks pregnant. Such disappointment. In those times where I’m frozen in fear that cancer is going to kill me before I get to put a little Hayden here on Earth, I’m reminded of the time last December where I thought I was going to die. I started to panic, thinking that I’d never get to experience the joy of being a wife. And here I am. But what if I don’t get to be a Mom? This is where that eternal mindset comes to mind. This idea that “greater things are yet to come”, or “we are not made for this world”. Heaven. How often I forget that heaven is my reality because I’ve placed my faith in Jesus. How often I neglect the beauty that I get everlasting life in HEAVEN. While Motherhood is something I pray I will experience, and while it’s such a beautiful gift here on Earth, how much better will heaven be? I think the idea scares me a bit to be honest. I mean, it’s hard to fathom, so I don’t like to go there. I like the tangible, realistic. But gee, to think that this Earth is the best there is? How’s that for a sad reality.
It’s easy to take hope for granted. But man, look at our world. Look at the chaos, the hatred, the terrified souls that think that this is it? We need to hope, we need to remember that our suffering, our President, our marital status, our kids, our jobs, this isn’t it. Thank the Lord for giving us a hope, a hope to look beyond the evil in this world and know that one day we will bask in the glory of heaven. To know that we will not end up as merely a pile of bones in the dust. To know that this is not the best there is. I don’t marvel in the wonder of that enough.
Please pray for these tumors to stop growing and for the medicine to works! Also, please pray for me as I plan my travel, I have to be in Seattle every single week of December. So prayers for my attitude and perspective as I travel a lot, and prayers for travel to not be too expensive and not booked up! I also have a PRAISE, Adam got a new job!!!