The Lie of UGLY.

I’ve only had a guttural cry 3 times since surgery. Let me rewind though.

Surgery went well, the surgeon told me that they cut out all the cancer they could see, and, “There was a lot of it all clumped up in there.” It took closer to 7 hours, so my prediction was close! I got a private room which was one of the biggest blessings ever, and I spent 3 nights in the hospital. Monday morning they yanked the tube out of the front of my neck, which was such a disturbing feeling, and then sent me home. Adam wheeled me out to the soccer Mom van and I honked out on the bed they made for me in the back. The drive home was terrible, it took a long time and there was bad weather. My poor family, they had to endure it while I dozed off in a drugged up stupor! I’ve been staying at my parents house for the last two weeks since Adam has work all day and we have no wifi at home! It’s been good for me, my Mom has taken good care of me and she makes sure that I’m staying healthy like usual!

The wounds. Let’s address the gnarly. I have a nice cut from the bottom of my ear going down my neck to meet the old scar from the last dissection in the middle, like a scar necklace. I have a medium incision under my chin, a hole above my collar bone from the drain, 4 incisions on the inside of my thighs, ¬†3 incisions in my stomach, and 5 stitches on my right cheek. So, needless to say it’s been a slow recovery! I got my stitches out a week after surgery, I lost count but every single mark had stitches so it was a process. It always feels better though, like a freedom of sorts. It’s been painful, I’ve had swelling everywhere and bruising and it hurts to move my neck, it especially hurts to sleep so I haven’t got much. Today it feels a little better, the swelling has gone down a bit, but I’m still in pain, which annoys me! Two weeks later I want to be back to real life. It’s effected my back a lot, I can feel the tension, and my shoulder is very weak. So weak that I can’t lift or move it as much, so that’s hard to overcome! But the pain will lessen, healing will come, and I will be able to function and persevere.

My soul. I did really well in the hospital and the first week home. The drugs can take some credit but not much for my soul. It seems to always be somewhat easy the first week, I can’t pinpoint why, maybe it’s just that you don’t have the energy to think, let alone cry!

Cry #1 So this week was my week. Adam was over at the house and I was brushing my teeth. I had just washed my face and he was looking at me in the mirror, I looked in the mirror too and hated what I saw. I hated even more that my husband was gazing at the same image. Ugh i’m crying right now as I type. I looked in the mirror and saw a swollen, chubby chin and cheek which made the other side of my face look even smaller and unproportional, I saw scars and red and yellow and blue discoloration on my neck, I saw my lip as it droops on one side, making brushing difficult, I didn’t see myself. And I for sure didn’t want anyone else to see. So I cried. I cried and Adam held me and told me that I was beautiful and that he loved me, how is he real life?

Cry #2. I got some kind of sickness mid-week. I felt achey, I had the chills, I had no appetite, ya know that bug. On TOP of everything else. So it was night time and Adam was about to go home, as I was saying goodbye I just burst into tears, again he held me. In between the guttural gasps and cries,  catching my breath and trying to calm down, I told him that I was tired of being sick. I was tired of not feeling normal. I was tired of hurting and dealing with the side effects. I told him that I was discouraged, that I felt like I was back at square one. I told him I felt defeated knowing I can never take these things back. That I will deal with this for the rest of my life. I felt weary, alone, frustrated, sick, hurting, and ugly.

Cry #3. I started a new “business”. I won’t say the name on here because I don’t want to use my cancer for advertisement. If you’re curious you can ask me. Anyway so I went to film a video of myself and as I watched I started bawling. Seeing myself on video, seeing myself the way others see me, it made me feel ugly, and it made me feel discouraged. I don’t know why you look so good in the mirror, but the moment you change to the camera, you see yourself through different eyes. I almost didn’t post the video, how could I when I look so bad? I told myself that no one would support me when I look like this. But I did. I posted it. I posted it because I will not let the devil rule me with lies, I posted it because I want to challenge the worlds standard of beauty, I posted it because the way I look now is the look of a warrior fighting for her life, and I posted it because God loves me and although I don’t always believe it, that’s the most important love there is.

With God’s help, I WILL get through this one.