Skater Girl Problems.

I listened to a really good talk by this woman, I wish I could remember her name to give her credit but…oops. Anyway she talked about this concept that purpose drives contentment. She starts out by talking about Pinterest, which automatically grabs my attention because I LOVE Pinterest. She talks about the joy in creating different boards and planning out your dream life. I could totally relate! I planned my entire wedding on Pinterest. I scrolled through photos of the perfect brides in the perfect dress at that perfect angle. I pinned snapshots of those little details, like delicate lettering, or cute little succulents. I pinned photos of the groomsmen with their beaming white smiles and chiseled jaws. After hours of dreaming and scheming I left with a whole new set of expectations for my wedding. After the speaker leads you through her Pinterest boards and dreams she then mentions that she becomes very discontent with her life after spending hours on Pinterest. As much as I wanted to say, “Well that’s her problem.” I found myself relating to that as well.

Discontentment. I feel like that is too familiar to me. I spend a lot of my time being discontent. I can trace this back to being a little 5th grader. I was constantly discontent. My best friend Kayla had everything I wanted at the time. She got the name brand pink VANS while I got the off brand brown suede ones, she got Toaster Strudels for breakfast while I got Honey O’s (not even Cheerios), I was constantly comparing my life to hers. Fast forward to last week. I was discontent with not having a job while everyone around me went to work, I was discontent with how surgery has left me scarred while I see so many beautiful people in the media, I was discontent with our little rental when I see the stunning houses that my friends and family own, and on and on and on it goes. It’s a sneaky one, I often don’t catch my discontentment in the moment, it’s usually in hindsight. But after that woman mentioned that PURPOSE drives CONTENTMENT, I started to wonder, what’s my issue?

My issue, I’ve found, is that I don’t have a firm, unchanging purpose. Does that make sense? Let me show you. Taking it back to my 5th grade years of jealousy, my purpose was found in being a “skater girl”. I mean really, I wanted to have the skater girl image, I wanted that identity, so my number one purpose and priority was my style. And because of that I was constantly discontent. As long as someone else was being a better skater girl than I was, my purpose was unfulfilled. Now take it back to last week. I was seriously struggling with finding my purpose because I don’t have a job. So, in that moment I was discontent because everyone around me was working and therefore I wasn’t finding my purpose because I didn’t have a job. I find that it’s the hardest for me right after I fight another round of Merkel. I mean for months at a time my purpose is clear: FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE. And I do, and I pour everything into radiation and surgery and healing, etc. But then it all ends and they just drop me off at home and I find myself feeling incredibly lost. I start searching for some kind of purpose and I am often left feeling very empty. Are you tracking with me now?

So there is a simple solution here, I’ve know it all my life yet it is a CONSTANT struggle for me! The ONLY unchanging, constant, firm purpose is to live for Christ. I mean really, that’s the only thing in this world that won’t change. No matter what happens to you, no matter what you look like, no matter what brand of shoes you wear or what you eat for breakfast or what job you work, if you find your purpose in living for God you will always be content. Man! As a person who finds herself longing for the Pinterest dream, or crying over not having the life I want, I find this solution to be radical. I want to be content, I want to have peace with my life and with who I am and what God has for me. It’s not easy! But I have to dwell on this, “That we are not our own, but belong, body and soul, both in life and death, to God and to our Savior Jesus Christ.” Our purpose must be to live for Him, because we belong to Him!

Anyway just a thought for today. I head to Seattle on Easter (sad about that) and I have my CT scan to see how I’m doing. Thank you for your continual prayer and encouragement!