You’re Going to Be Sad.

“Why?”

“But why? I don’t get it?”

“It doesn’t make sense.”

“I just don’t understand? What the heck!?”

“That wasn’t enough time!”

Many of you will say something along these lines when you see this post, and I want you to know that I said the some thing.

Before I explain to you why you are about to say these things, you need to know that it’s okay to say them. To feel the hurt, the confusion, the frustration, and even the heartbreak. God feels that way too. And that’s something that is so hard for me to remember, or even grasp. I often kick myself for asking those questions, knowing that I will not have the answers that I seek until I get to heaven. So I encourage you to feel all the feels, but don’t get hung up on questioning God. Don’t go looking for answers here on Earth because truthfully, nothing will satisfy except this:

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

God is not unaware of my situation, He is not calloused and uncaring, His plan is not to harm me, or inflict pain on me, or punish me. He is in control yes, He allowed this yes, but He has a plan to give me hope and a future. Some of you doubt that I have a hopeful future, and sure, on Earth my future looks more and more impossible. I often don’t have a lot of hope that I’ll have much of a future, here on Earth. A lot of times I do feel like cancer is going to kill me. BUT because He has saved me, I have a HOPE for an eternal future in HEAVEN. So think on these things as I tell you what’s next.

I have 3 new tumors. Yes, already. (Now you enter the exclamations from earlier). These tumors are completely out of character. The first one I felt is on the left of what would be my Adams apple, if I were a dude. It’s large already and I had a tiny bit of hope that maybe it was scar tissue since it appeared in a previously treated area. You see, we thought we had an advantage, we thought that the cancer wouldn’t come back in an area that’s been treated with surgery and radiation. Knowing we were wrong makes my heart break. It makes me fearful and discouraged. Will anything keep this cancer away?

The other two are on the left side of the back of my head, right where a headband would sit. They are two peas in a pod, snuggled right next to each other, again, a tumor placement that we haven’t seen before.

So what now you ask? Well I head back to Seattle to start the clinical trial again, this time we have TCells frozen and ready to inject. The prayer is that the TCells will be the game changer, or a miracle really. Only time will tell, but please, PLEASE, pray, pray, pray. I need it desperately. I also have to fly to Seattle quite often for the next couple of months so if you can help in any way there, I would be extremely grateful! Thank you again to all who read this blog, I am humbled by the way God has used this in your lives and in my own life, love ya!