It’s been a very difficult past two days. As you all know, or most of you, I received my first dose of TCells last week. This is great news because they are actually floating around inside of me now! The infusion made me pretty sick and put me out for a good 3 days, hopefully that’s a good sign.
But anyway back to the present. The night before last I was washing my face, when my hand ran over a familiar lump. Yes, another tumor. This one is on my face, again, right under the scar where I got a hole cut out. It’s the worst feeling when you discover a new tumor. Defeat, anger, confusion, heart ache, disgust, despair. I think this one hit home especially because it’s nearly in the same place my original tumor was, which brings back haunting memories and feelings. I just stared at myself in the mirror, and then I broke. My poor husband. I wonder what went through his head as he is about to fall asleep and hears me in the other room, all of a sudden, bursting into a guttural cry. I’ve never seen him run to me so fast. Then we both just sat on the floor, sobbing.
I don’t know what this means, and the doctors don’t know what it means either. Was it growing before TCells? Did it show up after? Do TCells work? Will they work? So many questions and no answers.
I have 7 tumors now. 7 tumors that can kill me. And I have spent the last two days really wondering if I am going to die from this. I told Adam that if I do, I don’t want anyone saying I “lost my fight with cancer.” I hate that. Because of Jesus I have won my fight with life! I will go to a place where I will suffer no longer and I will live in a perfect, glorious place forever! Talk about HOPE, which is why I will continue forward.
On a side note, I want to remind you all that your actions MATTER. I was having a hard day yesterday, just thinking about the new tumor and dying and all that. I had to go get some blood drawn for the clinical trial protocol. Instead of flying all the way to Seattle for a blood draw, I decided to get it done here. I don’t want to bore you with the details but it ended up being this big ordeal. I was sent from place to place, told different things, the order was wrong, then they couldn’t even draw from my port etc. etc. I was so stressed out that I started crying in front of the phlebotomist. Then one of the nurses there took me aside, (I know her name but I won’t mention it, she’ll know who she is) and she just hugged me and told me that she has been praying for me. She told me that I’m her little sister in Christ and that I’m not alone. In the midst of all the stress, in the midst of feeling isolated and frustrated, she reached out and comforted me. It was a seemingly simple thing, but it made a world of difference for me in that moment. It took 2 minutes of kindness you guys, you never know what’s happening in someones life. Just be kind. Just do it. So thank you for doing that for me yesterday Nurse S 😉
I head back to Seattle on the 1st, please don’t ask for further details on the trial because I have no answers at this point, so just please just pray for me and do something kind for someone okay? Thank you all and love ya!